FEAR
Ian Brown's F.E.A.R. truly is a perfect piece of songwriting. Truly magnificent, I'd go so far as to say (and I did, so that's that).
Notice how all the really fucking depressing blog entries begin with something not related but kinda positive? Bizarre. This one shouldn't be that bad. I think. I have a habit of typing far more melodramatically than I intend to.
Today has been a really good day. I had actual stuff to do at work which meant the day actually went quicker than the 29 hours it seems to usually take. I was actually sent out on an errand around mid morning, it's good to get some fresh air before one's lunchtime. And fresh air it was; rain always does that. It's like God's purifier.
It seems like everything is fucking up. I don't mean me, it's just that everything else is going awry. It's like there's something in the water causing my loved ones to feel pain, and I don't like it at all. That brings on a feeling of uselessness that listening to people just doesn't cure - people can talk to me until forever and it'll help for a second before that realisation that talking about stuff - at the end of the day - doesn't actually solve problems. I can't fix people's problems, and I hate that. I want to make my friends happy, they're my friends and I love them all. It hurts to see them upset.
I'm kinda questioning my place in life. Which is a bit heady for this time on a Tuesday evening, but it's been going on for a while. It's different to my usual thinking; usually, it's me trying to get out of a situation or worrying about that situation. Well now... There is no situation. I'm still spending my loan ridiculously, but that'll change once I'm on a regular payment schedule. I did get out of uni, out of that rut that was causing me ill. But now... well, now what? I'm no longer in a rut... I am essentially free. It's just money that's stopping me from doing anything I want to do.
So now I need to work out what I want to do. The apathy doesn't really help too much.
posted by Cos Ryan @ 9:45 PM
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