Yesterday's effort
Sometimes I have a good time and it’s really good. I’m genuinely enjoying myself, laughing, joking, talking. To the outside observer it may even look like happiness. Like Wednesday night. I went to the Crown and Anchor with Niina and it was such a good night, just laughing at bad movies and the terrible fucking choices on the jukebox. I woke up Thursday morning, however, in a cold sweat. To make up my deficit on the phone bill I need around £100. This is not just for the phone bill, but also for my loan, the money of which I used to put in to my phone bill.
It’s irritating, right. Daniel pays his TV licence monthly, but asked for our shares of the yearly bill, around £35. I didn’t have it, was going to offer to make it up next month when the bill came. It worked out as £25 each in line rental, and Daniel just said “take it out of the TV licence money you owe me”. This would have been fine, but like I said, I didn’t have that money to begin with. No one’s fault but mine. It’s just irritating.
But I’m over-relying on my birthday money. £100? Not fucking likely, no matter how much I wish it so. But it will at least get my phone bill paid. Problem is, which is more important? How long can I go without paying my bill before we’re cut off and everyone hates me? To be fair, I never wanted any bill in my sole fucking name, but as no one else would, I had to. Which means it’s me with all the responsibility, and me with the fucked up credit rating when it all goes tits up.
Incidentally, just checked my bank balance. I’m out by about £170 including my loan payment. I don’t see how this can get paid in any way. That’s a loan defaulted and a phone cut off. That’s not good.
I’m sick of not being able to afford anything, ever. I got a £400 odd bonus this month, but with having to fucking pay Sam, my electric and my phone (as well as my first council tax payment) I didn’t even get to see it. Excluding my phone bill, my outgoings this month came to just under a grand. Usually I get paid just over £800. Do the math.
In addition, it should be noted that I am also fucking sick of writing this in my diary, because I know it just sounds self indulgent and ridiculous and let’s face it, there are better things I could be doing with my time.
Fuck. I mean, it’s been quite a good day today. It’s the Charity Fun Day at work, the day I organised, and it’s going rather well. Loads of donations, lots of mulled wine and sherry consumed, and the gross weight of Worcester has significantly heightened thanks to the mince pies and Yule log we gots goin’ on. At 2.45 I will be on the radio… or at least my pre-recorded interview will. Obviously this is being uploaded after work so it’ll already have been played, but I believe there’s a podcast. Go to
youthcomm.org.uk for more information. I’m on Thank Tonto It’s Friday.
And the day’s gone stale as of nowish. No one is here any more, other than the staff, it’s rather dull. Photographer from the Worcester Standard came, so in the near future the inhabitants of this fair city will be able to see me, in all my glory, with a red santa hat and purple Skipton t-shirt,
smiling. That’s the kinda reputation I’m after.
So. I’m fucking off. I hope to spend what’s left of my weekend after work sleeping.
Fuck off
I cannot pay my share of the phone bill. Which is very annoying indeed. I have everyone else’s share in my account, even Judith’s mammoth portion. But I cannot do mine. I’m not sure what this means. As I recall, they usually like to send you a couple of red letters before they cut you off, is this right? I dunno.
Felt like shit yesterday after work. Drank some wine, which always goes straight to my head (back in the Co-Op days myself and Rhian used to get shitfaced at lunch on two large glasses each. Note to self: Need to contact Rhian, it’s been too long) which made me well depressed. Just had this overwhelming feeling that no one gave a shit, which was exacerbated by my inability to tell people – no one really understands what I mean and end up getting offended because they do care. I know there are people who care if I live or die. It’s just that sometimes everything ploughs on top of me and it feels like I’m alone in a world full of people who have never felt this way and could never understand.
And I know this is bullshit. But there’s nothing particularly rational about my feelings on a downer. So that’s that I guess, and I can’t be arsed going into things again. Needless to say the comic remains undone. After tomorrow I will only have a buffer of one strip.
Tomorrow’s, incidentally, is the first Dead Ends comic I ever did. I changed the schedule in order to make a bonfire one to show people that Dead Ends is in real time (unlike strips such as Questionable Content, which shows the same day’s activities over a couple of weeks) and corresponded to the time of year (hence the winter dress etc), so tomorrow’s got relegated. And as I’d thought of the storyline for next week (which needed two strips) I felt I’d put it in tomorrow so as the two strips can go into one week as opposed to over two. PHEW. Does any of that make sense? I’m not sure it does.
Work today has been tiresome. As in, I am very tired. I stayed up til half one yesterday watching
Batman Begins. It was good, but not half as good as people say it is. And they say it is brilliant. I still need to hit the library. I may or may not do this. Time will tell, I guess.
And today's essay...
I am so behind on my comics it is actually untrue. Except that it is truer than you will ever know. I started Dead Ends in September – the strips you’re seeing are the produce of several hard months of slog; I did this so that I had time to produce the comics as I uploaded them – if I missed one then I wouldn’t be behind schedule. There are two strips to come before I’ve run out. I need to use this week to regroup and get back on track. I’ve done 3 of 9 panels of the comic due for the 13th December. I just can’t get motivated. We’ll see. I’ll perhaps use some free time today to write the next few scripts out.
The weekend was, for lack of a more accurate phrase, chaotic. Thursday was fine; it was the staff Christmas meal, and it was brilliant. Too much food though. If they’d have had large plates, it would have been fine – the beef was so delicious, the roast potatoes fantastic and the Yorkshires… well, the Yorkshires were shite, but the rest of the meal was delicious. It’s just that they served the food on gigantic serving trays, not plates. Far too much food. Went home immediately after the meal, slightly tipsy on vodka but nothing excessive. Met up with Niina in the churchyard again, which was ace. The girl knows her horror movies.
Friday was more… I don’t know. Horrific? I overslept and so went to work without having chance to shower. I felt well scummy all day. By the end of it I was feeling knackered and antisocial; the last thing I wanted to do was go out. But damnit, I’d agreed to meet up with Elliott, Jenny et al and so I did. To be fair, felt much better after my shower upon returning home. We went into Lloyds where I ate my first steak outside of Yorkshire, and it was pretty damn good. I think I still prefer rib-eye to rump though, but that was well more expensive.
At the pub, I indulged in three Frisky Bisons (these being bison-grass vodka with apple juice, and very tasty indeed), which was the beginning of the downfall. We went to Jenny’s house party, stopping off at an off licence to allow Elliott to buy me some vodka. I know that I had most of that bottle, as well as a couple of Strongbows and the aforementioned Bison. I deteriorated rather rapidly toward the end of the night, and realised this; as such, I left the party, only to be dragged back in again by Kirsty, Jenny’s housemate, who provided me with a glass of water. I drank this shortly before heading to the bathroom to indulge in a little reverse eating. My suit now needs dry cleaning, Not proud of myself in any respect; I can curb my ability to be a tremendous twat whilst sober, occasionally letting a nugget out here and there, but when I’m drunk I’m just a terribly clumsy oaf who says the wrong thing at the wrong time and regrets it later.
No hangover though. Just really, really tired. Slightly queasy toward the afternoon. Hurling, it works every time.
Saturday was better, but not really in any way less chaotic. Awoke after the Friday night feeling somewhat tired, but fine. It was about half two at this point though, which is a good sleep. Showered, got ready for my day. The plan all along was to get thoroughly wasted with Niina, but due to me not feeling too good, and also feeling somewhat down I didn’t. Good night despite things though; went to a house party held by a couple of the Finns that Sofi knows, where I was alienated by the fact I didn’t really know anyone. Well not up for a party at this point either, too many people talking. In Finnish. Talked to Niina for a bit outside, we went back to mine. That was fucking great, we listened to rock music until around 6am. That is a perfect fucking way to spend a Saturday night.. Rock music. Admittedly, it was on Youtube, so there was no playlist. I’m all about the playlists. Saves having to get up after each song has ended to change the track.
Note to self: I need to download more Nick Cave. And Leonard Cohen.
Sunday was uneventful, and that was nice. Still feeling like shit, mentally (as opposed to physically). Woke up very late again, happily, and spent the entire day in front of the TV. Watched Will Ferrell’s
Elf, which was actually very witty and dry. I dig that. Went to be fairly early this time, I wanted to wake up in time to actually shower. And by Christ I managed.
Yesterday was fine. A bog standard Monday. Until I got home and started to work on the dreaded Comic. I got so fucking frustrated – I even had the fucking script word perfect, but just couldn’t get anything down. I guess that’s artists’ block. All I did was ink – and not even fully ink I might add – panel 3. It’s a small panel. All the work was done for me, and to refer to
Chasing Amy all I did was trace. I added woodgrain to the table top. The background is blank. I’m so damned annoyed with myself it’s unreal. Which made me feel bad. Thankfully, when Daniel broke his server we had the chance to beat the shit out the aggression within. I wish I’d taken photos – how else are you supposed to know what happens when you cross a computer, an axe, some lighter fluid and a lighter?
Went to bed early, watching
Closer. The film winds me up something rotten. The acting’s great, but the writing is terrible. All full of hidden meanings – you can tell it’s meant to be a stage play. Every ounce of dialogue is weighted and every nod of the head means something
incredibly important. It’s too pretentious; it stings the eyes. Does have some plus points though. I like the ability of the director to make you hate every character other than the cunt played by Clive Owen. He does have some good lines actually. After sending a tirade of personal questions at the wife who’s leaving him, she answers brutally. He replies, “thank you sincerely for your honesty. Now fuck off and die.”
It’s a great line.
In today’s news, it’s gone pretty quickly. I’m surprised at how so, but I think it’s got something to do with the fact I’m lunching at half 2. Makes the latter half of the day seem shorter because, of course, it actually is. Had my one to one with Manager Lauren as well, where I was informed that I had been mystery shopped in Early November. I scored 90.91% which, I’m reliably informed, is the 2nd highest mystery shop score the branch has had since Lauren took over manager duties two years ago. I’m dead chuffed with myself. More so because Lauren bought me some red wine. I don’t’ really like red wine, but it’s free and I’ll drink it, better believe that I will.
Tonight? Hopefully comicking. I’m going to make a concerted effort to really get shit done. Might head down to the library in order to do this. What I need to do is stop working on the current strip – possibly scrap it entirely. Start afresh, a new script (which incidentally, I haven’t written… that’s what you get for writing one blog over the course of a day – lousy consistency) and a new idea. That might kick start me into working properly. I need such a kick start. I need the plot to progress. I’ll see what happens. Whatever I do, I think that the library is the best place to do it. I’ll do that.
And now, with 15 minutes till the branch closes, I shall sign off.
