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Craving Blindness

I was told by my old boss to, whenever giving bad news, go for the shit sandwich. Start off with the bread - a nice, thick slice of good, then add the filling, this being the bad news, and then top off with good. Apparently a little of the good stuff makes bad news easier to take.

I use that paragraph to preface the latest movie review to hit you from GA Reviews. The movie in question was the latest made-for-box-office-dollars crapbag The Eye - a "horror" movie based on a Chinese film of the same name. The leading lady was played by one Jessica Alba, a model from the US who thinks that having a great set of tits constitutes acting skills. And by god did she disappoint.

OK, so as far as the shit sandwich goes, that was the mouldy bread, so I'll throw that out and start with the good stuff.

The premise for The Eye was really quite a good one. A girl is born with the sight - she can see death. Not dead people per se, more death itself; shadowy figures who come to collect the souls of the dead. Using this sight she can stop death - these shadows appear prior to the death, waiting for the death before escorting the souls to the afterlife. She sees these shadows looming and can warn the potential victims. That is a nice premise for a movie, and I'll further my positivity by saying the CGI shadow-death-escort things are done really nicely - very atmospheric and very eerie. It's worth staying alive not to see those things, though it is never revealed in the film whether these things are evil or not. Just... scary.

You see a girl hang herself at the beginning of the movie, and you're then transported to Jessica Alba's character - a blind concert violinist. Through what I'm sure producers will call "acting", it is revealed that this girl (called Sydney - they've given her a character name so you can tell she's acting and not just being Jessica Alba) is to undergo a cornea transplant so she can see for the first time since she was a small girl. We know the film is called The Eye, and we know through trailers and whatnot that this ain't gon' be an easy ride, but even I was praying for her operation to be a success. Mostly because by fucking Christ she played a really bad blind woman.

Rant One: Before the opening credits, a ginger skateboarder nearly gets run over by a bus at a pedestrian crossing. Using her over developed senses, Sydney saves him. He says "Wow, I didn't even see it!", only for Sydney to smirk and say "Neither did I."

Which is fine, that's not my rant. My rant is that she gets to her apartment building, notices the lilies in the foyer (the first all day to comment, according to the building's foreman), gets in the elevator to her place, and fumbles around. And that's what this rant is all about. OK, it's maybe believable to assume that this blind woman's senses are so attuned to work without sight that she can stop a man from walking into a moving vehicle, but that she can't walk around the apartment she's lived in for years without clumsily fumbling around for door handles and furniture takes some stretch of the imagination. Tiny little detail, but incredibly irritating nonetheless.

The film was nicely put together. As it's an American "horror" film, there are certain expectations I had. One, the film's focus would be on one single, attractive young woman. Check, although she's far too skinny and not really all that attractive any more. Two, there would be a twist at the end. Check again, and it was nicely done. If I'd have been paying real attention to the film, I could have worked it out well in advance, but I wasn't, and was therefore nicely intrigued by the twist - it fit in well. Three, every time the lead character looks through the peephole in the door, turns a corner slowly or opens her eyes during a close up shot, there will be a shocking appearance of something unexpected accompanied by a loud musical noise. FUCKING CHECK.

The film was marketed as a horror film, and so any excuse to shock the audience and make Jessica Alba act scared was taken with gusto. And it worked, the shocks were the only really enjoyable scenes in the film, and I relished them. It's like the Final Destination franchise - 3 in particular - you know bad shit's gon' happen, that's why you bought the ticket, so just enjoy it when it happens.

Rant Two: The above paragraph. Yep, it's enjoyable - spot the staple horror movie clichés, but seriously. What the fuck is wrong with original thought? Like I said, this movie has some nice ideas that, when encouraged, could create a truly original and thought provoking film - so why does it just stick to what Hollywood knows? Oh wait, that's why. Hollywood sucks.

I suppose I should wrap this up. I've not given too much away here - in fact, I don't think I've given you so much as a brief plot synopsis and a list of bad points. So, for the final piece of bread.

Erm... this is hard. The first bit of bread was too thick. My only other good point about it was that it ended. Don't get me started on the ending. The proper ending, the bit after the twist. The Resolution. That was just sickening, terrifically so.

To conclude - I once again urge people to see this film; never put yourself off seeing a film based on the rantings of one idiot. Make up your own minds. On saying that, this is probably one of the worst films I will see this year.

Out of Cloverfield, I rate this film 2.

posted by Cos Ryan @ 6:14 PM