jikokeno3.3

Deprivation study #03

I'm feeling pretty low. And my hands and fingers are cold, so this entry is being written slowly.

I can't tell you why I'm feeling low. Presently I'm attributing this feeling, or rather these feelings, to the fact that as of writing this I have been awake for just shy of 30 hours. I'm no longer tired; I have transcended that. I was tired at around 8am, and then again at around 12noon, but it's gone. I feel like normal, which is irritating, because I don't like my normal.

I don't have a "place." Literally speaking, I mean. I left the house an hour or so ago, because I wanted some alone time outside of these four walls, and I didn't know where to go. Uni feels weird. Various things have happened to leave me with the feeling that I am just not wanted there. It's hard to get a handle on things when you feel like an imposter - a title which entirely accurately fits me on that front.

I can't go to the churchyard, because that's the place Niina and I go to, and she don't want me no more, and so that feels weird. I'm not going to go into details. Water under, and all of that nonsense. Uni doesn't want me, the Churchyard doesn't want me. I'd head for the tree stump, but they dug it up and paved it over. Besides, I don't live in that house any more.

I plumped for uni. It seemed the obvious of my limited choices, picked for its proximity to my house, the warmth of the buildings and the lack of people around at this time. People I certainly - most certainly - do not need at this particular juncture.

I sat at a table in the deserted canteen and wrote the first page of a first chapter of a novel I'm never going to start, middle or finish, and went outside to smoke. Having only a micron of fuel left in the lighter I headed home and continued writing, albeit this time more truthfully and less fictional, onto this diary. And so that's my day.

Tonight, providing that my frail consciousness holds out, I need to create tomorrow's comic. I have a feeling it may be uploaded late.

posted by Cos Ryan @ 7:18 PM