jikokeno3.3

Dead Ends

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I've had a fairly great weekend, including today - which I booked off last week - and I've done no comics. Yes, fun is, by its very nature, a fun thing to do, but it doesn't really help me. I used to think comics were fun. And now it seems like I'd rather go out, get drunk, watch the US adaptation of Queer As Folk marathon, hang out with friends and housemates... and even horribler is that I'm now seeing Dead Ends as a chore. I was really hoping to get a comic out for today; OK, I had a break during May, but June is a new month, full of hope and possibility, and a perfect chance to start the comic again.

The thing is, I'm completely blank. It sucks arse. And the weird thing is I didn't even intend on writing about the comic at all in this entry. It just occurred to me that I booked today off for something specific; not lounging around post-night-out watching the new Genesis concert and listening to the new Feeder album. Well, to my credit, I had hoped to be doing that today anyway. Just, you know. Afterwards.

I'm seeing all these status updates on Facebook. Generic Friend X is home! That's what I was aiming to write about. There's absolutely no reason whatsoever I need to make this the point of a diary entry, other than the context behind it. People have left uni for good, and gone back home to start their post-university life. And that's actually getting me down. As with most things I write about, the reasons are twofold:

One. That old talking point of mine - my never getting anywhere, always stuck in a rut, that kind of shit. It still stands, and to see these things and what they symbolise makes me realise just how stuck I am. I've no right to complain, and no, if I could, I wouldn't go back in time to change my mind and stay in full time education. I'm not saying that what I did is preferable to university life... but uni was making me severely unhappy, and it had to end. I'm glad it did. I just wish there was a third option, slap bang in the middle of education and employment.

Two. My friends are leaving. I realised this would happen. Elliott and Jenny, whom I met within my first week at uni, were in my year. They've thus served their sentence and have gone home, likely never to return to Worcester again; at least not for any prolonged visit. My Finnish friends have returned home for the summer, with Niina not returning at all, at least not to Worcester. I've lost an entire social side to my life, and it's just plain weird really. Daniel and Sofi are still here, and I'm glad. It's good to know that for at least the next year I'll know people in this God-forsaken city.

"So why don't you just move back to Manchester? You know, go home?"

Honestly, I've been considering it. Not because it's my home, just because if I live with my folks again it'll be cheaper than my current situation, and all bills are included. I won't have to move house every year, which if I'm completely honest is a pain in the fucking arse - an unnecessary stress in my usually placid life, and my old college friends are there for drinking, mirth and all sorts of fun like that.

But Manchester isn't my home. I lived there for 18 or so years of my life, slightly less. Why the fuck would I want to spend the next 18 years of my life there? I've seen it all before. What's the fucking point in that? Don't get me wrong, it's not like I have any great ambition, but a) I want to see places and find my own home, and b) Living with my folks again after 3 years of independence will be a massive fucking step backwards. I'm 23 this year. Fuck living with the parents. Moving down to Worcester was the best thing I ever did. I found some independence, proved that I could still be accepted into some kinda society, whatever that means.

Blurgh. I don't know what I'm saying at all. Last night was good. Went to the Velvet Lounge, which despite being a Worcester club isn't somewhere I hate. Didn't get drunk at all, despite the two tequila slammers, 3 vodkas and a Blue Monday. Which is handy to know, because I now know how much I can take. Well, it's at least that much. Good information to know. I think the trick is to mix one's drinks. That way it ensures a pleasantly deep sleep with a refreshing morning after. Top notch. Interesting night as well, for various reasons. Gutted I was outside when "Shake Your Tail Feather" by Ray Charles and The Blues Brothers came on. A shame indeed.

And so onto now. I'm going into town because, let's face it, if I'm not doing comics then I might as well be doing something other than writing self-deprecating blog posts.

Eurgh. I hate that word. What the fuck is a "blog" anyway? Disgraceful. Memes. Can't stand 'em.

posted by Cos Ryan @ 2:23 PM