jikokeno3.3

Status

It's been a while since I wrote anything about myself. I guess putting the short story on here wasn't all that good an idea. It's received no comments at all, and therefore one can only assume that it made absolutely no impact or impression whatsoever. Ah well, I guess I'll try deviantART.

The reason I've not written anything personal is multifold. Firstly, I have been fairly busy, and more on that later. Secondly, those happy pills simply numbed me entirely, and thirdly, I seem to have blossomed a life outside of the internet, and it's taking a lot of effort to maintain such a thing.

Well, busy. It's a tough one. The thing is, I ditched the pills. Before that, however, myself and a close friend got a little closer than we were previously (despite a date of sorts which didn't go too amazingly back in March or so), and are now in a relationship. Her name is Terhi, she's Finnish, and I cannot - for love nor money - pronounce her name correctly, either first or surname. There's a rolled 'r' in there somewhere. Anyway, as a result I call her Liz, and as such whenever she is referred to on this inter net it shall be under that nickname. I'm not going to go into details, purely because there is little more banal and degrading than discussing anything of note, specifically about another person with whom one is close, on the internet. What I will say is that I am in love with her, completely and utterly, and she feels the same way. Which, if you think about it, is awesome. She's awesome, we're awesome, it's all gravy.

Onto the pills. They were fogging things up, messing up my flow, all up in my business and fucking up my shit. I decided to get rid of them when I was just sick of feeling fatigued all the damn time, and once the bad feelings had been pushed aside, all that hit me was apathy. Now, apathy is one thing I'm very good at. In fact, I'd say I was a connoisseur of the subject. I do not need a chemical apathy treatment when I've got that situation handled. At the end of the day, I'm a control freak. It may seem odd of me to say that, considering the chaos in which I live my life, but hear me out. I'm in a hell of a lot of trouble, both financially and at work (more on that story later), but it's trouble which is directly down to me. Everything in my life is down to me. And I like that. Yes, they're problems, but they're my problems - not ones that my mother has generated, not ones lumped on me by work, mine. It's the same with my schedules and things. And my apathy is my business.

In short, the pills were rubbish. I know I didn't give them the required time, but after being told I'd feel a change after three weeks, and all I felt was nausea and migraine, I felt enough was enough.

Coming off them was a bitch though. The morning I did I went to work and ended up going home early due to vomitus. I went in the next day and this time was sent home for vomitus. I am currently on my verbal warning when it comes to absense - any more time would require an investigatory hearing most likely resulting in a final written warning, meaning that my next illness would result in my dismissal. More on the Shop Direct Absence Policy later. I'll start by first telling you that the day after being sent home, I took the day off. I wasn't in any fit state to work, and so I went to visit the doctor, knowing that this was very much my last chance at work. The doc could see that the reason I was having the troubles, and indeed the trigger for getting the damn pills in the first place was indeed my employer and its policies, and so he wrote me a note for two weeks of absense, due to anxiety.

I have been at home now for two weeks. Tomorrow is my first day back at work since the 20th of August, and I'm bricking it. And so now, the moment you've been waiting for, that bit I promised "later" has arrived.

The Shop Direct Ltd Absence Policy is set over a period of nine months. Essentially, if you have three separate periods of absence within any nine month period, you are brought up before your manager and given an investigatory hearing. I had this. The first absence was as a result of a migraine, brought on by stress from the company not paying me on the correct date; having one's loan defaulted and one's rent late is somewhat stressful, I'd say, and so that was number one. Number two was the crushed hand - I went into work but then signed out to go to A+E. Because I'd not worked 50% of my shift, it was classed as a full absence.

The third absence was due to vomiting and migraine from my first batch of pills. I had two days off anyway after, and returned on the following day. My investigatory hearing was scheduled for the day after. Sadly, I was ill that day, the same reason. My manager, Scott, reckoned I shouldn't have come in the previous day either, just had the one period, and empathised with my situation, relating the two together - essentially, that last absence didn't count. I received my verbal warning and was told that another absence in the next nine months would result in another hearing.

Well, that happened as I've said. One thing that makes me quite angry is that this company seems to punish you for genuine illness. Sure, it's in place to stop skivers, but what about me? I really wanted to make a go of things this job. Sure, I've skived in the past, taken the odd day when I wanted, but this is a new job and I know I need to keep it. It's easy work and damn good money, and so I need this one to stick. On thinking about it and evaluating it fully though, all of my absences have been caused, either directly or indirectly, by the company. This two week period (which I'm sure is going to lead to more shit as I'm more than likely not going to be paid for it) was due to anxiety at the prospect of being sacked when I go up in front of the hearing. I'm angry and scared for my job, especially because they love sacking people there. I'm terrified.

And that is me. It's been a good two weeks, and I feel calmer for them. Now, I'm petrified that I won't wake up tomorrow, my sleep patterns being what they are, and so I'll sign off now. Maybe I'll even get some sleep. I just hope my hearing will be scheduled tomorrow, because by God if I have to wait I will not cope.

Adieu.

posted by Cos Ryan @ 9:21 PM